(Photo credit: Zoe Clark-Coates from Saying Goodbye Charity and @zoeadelle on Instagram)
5 years ago this month we decided to start a family. December 2016 we began trying for our baby. I was naive enough to think that by the following Christmas our baby would be here in our arms and our family Christmas festivities could begin.
Those of you who know me personally, will know that I absolutely LOVE all things CHRISTMAS. The cheesy films, present buying and wrapping, the Advent build up in Church, nativities, Carol Services, school plays and Christmas parties, The Christmas Do and meals with friends, mulled wine, food, mince pies. All of it. I love it all!
Each Christmas I think "this time next year, we'll have our baby." I always seem to subconsciously set that target.
If I get pregnant now - they would be 3 months.
Later on in the year
If I get pregnant now - they wiuld be a newborn.
Later still
If I get pregnant now I would be very big and could wear one of those daft tops "First Christmas on the inside" or "Christmas Pudding"
If I get pregnant now - we could announce at Christmas.
The days, weeks and months pass and again we're in December and not pregnant, once again. This year it seems so much harder, after all the crazy of 2020-21. Everyone around me seems to be starting their families. I feel everyone has a child. And our dream, our wish, our prayer for miracle is yet to be answered.
This year is even harder still, due to the fact that if our IVF had worked our baby woukd have been due on 13th December 2021. Or even born early on Daddy's birthday, the day before. I mean when have you ever known babies to arrive on their due date?
Mariah Carey had it right when she sang...
"Cause I just want you here tonight, holding on to me so tight,
What more can I do?
Oh, baby, all I want for Christmas is you,
You, Baby!"
Now she may have been singing about a loved one, life partner etc. But this year I listened to that song and took it literally for first time.
"Baby - All I want for Christmas is You!"
For many years around this time people would ask me "What would like for Christmas?" I couldn't say what I was really thinking because that would come across harsh. But here it is for those who are intrigued "I don't want anything, well nothing you can give me anyway, I want a baby, I want a family and right now nothing else matters."
That's when I realised I had lost sight of who I was. I was so focused on starting a family - I had forgotten how to live I just was surviving. Going from day-to-day, month-to-month, hoping and praying that this would be our year. After 5 years of this I have come to the realisation of 'What will be, will be.' I need to live now and stop thinking about what-ifs and maybes.
I have began to find myself again, I have had a makeover, cut my hair, drastic change (to point where people didn't think I'd go through with it), I had 60cm chopped off back in May. I donated it to the Little Princess Trust for children with cancer who need wigs. This was a big step for me and I thought I would chop it all letnit grow back. But actually like the me that comes with short hair. (Washing and drying it is much quicker too.)
I am living in the moment, doing things that I want to do, when I want to do them. Taking chances. Asking for (if you don't ask, you don't get after all). I'm ceasing the day, each day. I'm not saying things are always peachy - but I am starting to learn just to go with it. Nobody added seconds to their life by worrying.
Do I still want a family? Yes absolutely. Am I going to worry about it and spend everyday and waking moment thinking about it? Absolutely not. No-one can love like this it's not healthy. And will not make things happen any sooner.
To my future child: I want you, I'm waiting for you, I love you. Ultimately you are all that I want. But in the meantime I'm here waiting, happily for you to arrive, however you arrive.
All I want for Christmas is You!
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