Why

Why is my body playing tricks on me? Why was my period 14 DAYS late?! Why am I having pregnancy symptoms (sore breasts, nausea, hypersensitivity towards certain smells) yet I'm not pregnant.

Why did I allow myself to dream and even believe that this could happen for me, for us? Why did we start having conversations about if I am pregnant, I'll be this and that and we'll have to do this or that. On days like today I feel so low and wonder if it could ever be possible. Then I get angry with myself for getting so upset. I begin to cry out "Why, why me?"

And why does everyone keep asking - "Have you got any news for me?" "How are things going?"

And all I want to do is SCREAM at them ...

"NO does it look like I've got any news? Do you not think you would find out in due course if we did have any news? Why are you so nosey? Stop asking such personal questions."

Instead ...

I just smile politely ...

and say

... no.

Children from school innocently ask, without realising how much it's hurting me inside, -

"Mrs Coleman do you have any children?"

No.

"Do you want any?"

Yes.

All around me there are people trying and conceiving, some against all the odds (and on multiple occasions too), others without any trouble in the world, and on rare occasions without even trying. Pregnancy announcements come up frequently on Facebook and other forms of social media. Couples happy to share their news with the world. I can't help but scroll past with a hint of jealously and a slight pang of "Why can they?" and "Why can't we?" What are we doing wrong?

IT'S NOT FAIR! Why do I never get what I want, when I want it?

I'm then reminded of my favourite Bible verse from Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future!"

And I do have hope and I know God has a plan for my life, our lives, and everything is done in His timing. But why is our time not now? A few of my closest friends either have babies or are pregnant with their first. Why can't we share this experience together? Why can't our children grow up together? That's ALL I've ever wanted.