*DISCLAIMER* *This blog is not me having a go at couples for their choice of announcement - it is just an observation based on my personal experiences and emotions at this difficult time.*
I have looked into the eyes of each one of my friends who have shared their wonderful news with me that they are pregnant. Some of them have been nervous, some of them have tried to avoid the question when I've asked "Is everything ok - why are you going to hospital?" And some of them I have met up with in a coffee shop with their toddler. Then as the meet comes to an end "Before we leave, I got something I want to tell you."
Sometimes I guess just before they tell me the words, words no one who is struggling wants to hear.
"I. Am. Pregnant."
I am then filled with a huge mixture of conflicting emotions - happiness, sadness, joy, anger, excitement. All these emotions bubble up inside of me and I have to put on my brave face.
My brave face looks like this - I smile, I say "Congratulations, great news. I am happy for you." And I genuinely am. "When are you due? How many weeks are you?" And I keep in contact with them throughout. It's like I'm living my pregnancy wishes through their experiences. I ask how things are going? If they have cravings? I ask to see scan photos and stare at them wishing, hoping and praying I will soon have a scan photo of my own to love and cherish.
One thing I have noticed about me and the acceptance within myself of pregnancy announcements of those i know and love, is that personal and face to face conversations with people have gone down much better with me. It's natural, it's personal and makes me feel worthy of knowing their news. Most of the time I'm expecting it. With my friends they are either happily married and trying for their first or already have a toddler and trying for another. We have spoken about them trying for another. So when they say or I guess "I'm pregnant." I have mostly come to terms with it. I mean they already have children, why would they struggle a second time round?
However on the flipside, I can be minding my own business and I get a text message out of the blue, or a random video call or I am scrolling through social media and there it hits me like a ten tonne train. "Just wanted to let you know - we are pregnant." A photo of baby scan appears, the black and white image of a distorted head that looks like an old potato (if you look at it sideways,) the video of a couple who slowly reveal a baby grow into view and you are taken off guard not knowing what to say or how to react. Your life has not prepared you for this. What do you do? What should you say? How did my comment come across? Then you check back and read into every reaction. My comment only got a like, other people were given hearts. What does this mean? Why did I comment? Why am I so obsessed with all this?
Then I realise: I just need to take a step back, put my phone down and move away from the situation - this is not healthy. Sometimes I take a break from Facebook. Sometimes I mute certain chats or people so I don't see all the pregnancy posts. Especially when those posts are women complaining about pregnancy symptoms. All I want to do is scream at them in CAPITAL LETTERS:
"At least your pregnant."
"At least you are going to have a baby."
"Think about all those of us who wish to feel kicking coming from inside."
Instead I click mute and I mute them until their pregnancy is over. Self care! At the end of the day I need to take care of me first.
When I have been told in person I can talk with the mother-to-be or family member who is expecting a child of their own. Those conversations come to a natural end with everything being resolved.
However when those announcements are shared in a passive, none personal way, I find myself having those conversations in my head. If you are anything like me, you always go to far in your own head, than you would in real life. When you have just come across an announcement on social media, for me that news plays on my mind and pops into head at the most inappropriate times:- driving to work, going out for a run or doing my weekly shop. And the only result that arises is - break down in tears, I break down in tears due to the fact that yet another child is being brought into the world before my child. Yet another couple are being allowed to become parents and start a family before we are.
A famous saying is "Always the bridesmaid, never the bride." Well I have a new one for you "Always an Auntie, never a Mummy."
So if you only take one thing from this particular blog, let it be this:
"If you have friends or family members who are struggling to conceive and you have just found out that you are pregnant. Please will you share your news with them on a personal level. Yes it will be hard for them to hear - but that would be the same through a text message. At least this way they will feel worthy of knowing your wonderful news and not like an after thought before you make your news public."
Keep it personal!
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