Sunday morning 6am I cannot sleep any more - I walk into the bathroom, all the tests are there, laid out from the night before along with my urine cup.
I use the toilet, I set the cup on the side and dip the test in for 5 seconds and then set a 5 minute timer and set the test strip down on the side, I put the lid down on the toilet and sit there waiting...
The longest 5 minutes of my life. I'm praying "Your will be done, your will be done. Please bring our promise."
...
"Ding, ding, ding." The timer chimes, I get up and look down at the test
➖ NEGATIVE.
I'm devastated. I stare at it, willing a faint positive line to appear. I slowly slump back into the bedroom, crawl back into bed and snuggle into Nick's chest. In that moment I can only utter one word "negative". Nick squeezes me so tightly and then I begin to shake and cry. We lie there together not saying a word, but both feeling the same pain, the same hurt.
After a while I say that "I'm sorry" feeling like it's all my fault. Nick stops me in my tracks to say "It's NOT your fault!" He reminds me of the conversation we had the day before "Whatever the result - you have done everything right, followed all the advice, on top of the advice with reference to covid restrictions. You followed the guidelines to the letter. You could do no more!"
Around 9am we are still lying in bed and we receive a phone call from the hospital asking for the outcome of the test. The nurse apologies and offers her condolences. She explains the next steps and tells me to stop all medication and to expect a heavy, period style bleed in the next couple of days. She offers counselling and I take it - I just need to wait for an appointment.
We decide to put ourselves first for once, and take the day for us. We go for a nice long walk, along the canal path I've recently found and we appreciate the awe and wonder in the creation around us. It was nice to be together without time restrictions or the need to be anywhere else.
We return and I pluck up the inner strength to call my parents and say those words out loud. I tell them and burst into tears once more. The conversation is very one sided as there is not much I can say. Dad speaks for most the time.
Nick informs his parents and I ask school for a couple of days to get to my head straight and also ask for "the negative" to he shared so I don't have to say it again.
During this time we text our brothers and close family members to let them know too. They all send their wishes and offer help and support. They send their love and prayers to us. They remind us not to give up hope and that we still have a chance of success with our one remaining blastocyst embryo.
We, however, are going to take it easy for a while, not go through another round until we are mentally stable to cope with another round. In the meantime we are going to enjoy our time together, keep trying naturally and pray for a miracle.
If you are praying person, please can we make a request that you pray that I release eggs from my ovaries, that those eggs are fertilised and that our miracle can happened?
🙏🏻 And we will give all the glory to God! 🙌🏻
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